Constructive Criticism

[Generic Skinhead]

Now I'm confused! So many characters...but then again it's obviously a feature, and it is well written. Is this as far as you've got with the script?

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I can't believe I sold my image rights for a pint of Guinness!

[hairbrain]

I see where you're coming from. My observation was not actually a question about your choices it was a question about how you've pulled them off.

Johnny and Peter. These two guys seem like the `ordinary folk` who are introduced in horror films just to be killed off. They are talking heads who've basically got a big fat sign nailed to their forheads reading `I'm just an ordinary dull bloke like you`. I don't believe this is a decision you made, its a problem due to the way you executed your decision.

You actually wanted was a character like Tim Robbins in `The Shawshank Redemption` or Bruce Willis in `Die Hard`. You wanted an ordinary joe who was, in some way, interesting and involving as a character. Your folly is to believe that ordinary people are dull and boring. By painting your leads as ordinary and average you paint them in the same way which many people see `others`. Nobody actually sees themselves as ordinary and average... but they see others as that. Therefore, instead of identifying with Johnny and Peter, we actually detatch ourselves from them and look upon them as we would strangers.... we really don't care what happens to them or not.

I see this over and over again in horror films,thrillers, or tv programs. It's a common mistake. But I've never ever seen it work. I think the misconception is that the thing which draws people to horror are the events which occur, the mystery and the gore. Therefore writers write these events first and then casually pen in some average Joe to be the lead. The writer is clearly obsessed with the procession of events. But I believe that the real power of cinema is not in the events at all... its in the emotion. I'm not interested in what Joe Bloggs DOES when faced with a ghost... I'm interested in what that FEELS like. This is the goal of great film making and script writing; to involve the audience to such an extent that they go through emotional states (fear, tension, sadness, laughter, excitement). This pandoras box can only be unlocked if the audience are drawn into the movie, if they identify with a character, if they start to forget they are sat in a cinema. If you read only the bits with Johnny and Peter in is it interesting? If not then the only thing which is making your script interesting is the rest of the stuff... pass me the remote whilst I forward wind. In a film there is NO time for boring stuff. Not one frame should be boring. Cut all your boring stuff out and what are you left with. If its a good script you're left with a great script, if its a bad script you're pretty much back to where you started... looking for some boring stuff to pad it out into a feature.

I don't know how old you are or how experienced you are but your script shows you have enough flare or skill (I know not which) to puch it to the next level. Of course I may be completely wrong and you may actaully kill off Johnny and Peter in the next couple of pages.. if so well done. I also may be completely wrong in the sense that Johnny and Peter may become really great characters throughout the rest of your script. But I do believe that the point still stands that you have introduced them in a pretty dull way and remember... `first impressions last`.

rewrite rewrite rewrite.. accept and expect only the best.

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[ac_01]

only my first script...ever!!! I've been toying around with the idea for some time so i got a few books on writing and sat down to do it.

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There can be only one.

[scouse007]

hi there, read the script, a lot can be done with music and the look of the set, to create film. It is hard to visual because I cannot see what they are, if you understand me black white, red green, blonde bald
hope that helps also how do they speak, accents, lisps, perfect english
hope that helps


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[kylemallory]

Warning... this coming from someone who doesn't really know what he's talking about:

As someone pointed out, its not clear about the reflection of the dead man in the window. It almost reads as though he sees the dead man standing or something, and the tapping sets up the scene as an indicator foreshadowing a more intrusive event, and it is kind of a let down when its only the reflection. Perhaps, find a more subtle way to draw his attention to the window (maybe a distant thunderstorm from across the lake, he watches intently the lightning strike, without the sound of thunder), at which point he senses the reflection and reacts.

Alice seems a terrible tragedy in the first part. I seemed to identify with her more so than Leon. You go to the trouble to indentify her as a child with a lost parent. She is the only character so far that can possibly relate to or understand the plite of this ghost who should not have been killed. She would sympathize with him and his cause, since she wants to relate this to her own mothers death - it raises the question in her own mind, that perhaps her mother should not have died either. Once again, as with the other posts, I'm not sure of your intent with killing Alice - its your script, and your vision, and you may have alterior motives that we don't know yet, but in general, your audience will probably not receive the murder of an adorable, innocent 9 year old girl very well.

The second half that you posted seemed to get moving a little slower and I started to get a little bored with the story line. So far, contrary to the other posting, I like that fact that the main characters (Johnny and Pete) are a little normal and unexciting. However, it does seem suddenly out of character that he tries to chase the man through the rail car. It might make an interesting turn to start him out as a limited antagonist who keeps finding himself in these unwelcome circumstances, and eventually resolves himself to taking a more proactive standpoint. Ie, he witnesses a number of these events, the first time rather passive - disturbed by the action, but not sure how to react. Eventually he gets fed up with the same mentality in the other bystanders and decides to not stand by idle anymore. A transformation of the character on screen, instead of starting out that way - realizing that may take more time than you have (or want).


Just my .02 worth..



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Kyle Mallory
JimmyJohn Productions
www.jimmyjohnfilms.com